Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 195
Who ever heard of flight 5050? It's always flight 102, flight 216. 5050? They're telling you before you leave the gate - 50/50. Now go out there on runway 13 and give it your best shot.
Critics noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.
He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.
I can't sit down and write jokes. I just flows in from some maddeningly elusive place. Believe me, if I had an Alaska in my brain, I would drill baby drill, and I'd cum right on Sarah's back while I was there.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.
It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'
Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.
Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?