Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 195

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?

You should’ve hung out, man.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...

I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.

I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.