Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 195
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.
I knew I loved it because I could take the failures. I was like a professional fighter - they're beat 20 times in a row and they just want that one win.
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!
My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero, "Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a dinner!
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.
The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.
I got a wedgie coming down from the ceiling in the swing and my leg fell asleep!
You’re thinking I’m homophobic; I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” “What?” “Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!” And I say, “Listen, Voice In My Head…I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, because one time…during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it’s happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. ‘Cause nobody believes a midget until it’s too late. Cucumber up a man’s ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!