Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 204
Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"