Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 204
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
If they played the world hunger commercials with some dope beats, they'd probably get mad donations son!
Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler "Peace! I'm out of here," and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.
I'm half-Mexican - get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.
My mom was so strict when I was a kid, she wouldn’t even let us watch The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch! She was like, "That’s why you don’t watch The Brady Bunch, that show suck. Six kids, that’s nothing. That’s right, I have ten kids. Why don’t you watch me? No commercial here. No ads. I run the whole operation, Dat Phan, watch me."
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.
Munch is the guy who says what a lot of people wouldn't dare say.