Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...
Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.
A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.