Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.

I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”

The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.