Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.
You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.