Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.
These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.