Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.
These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.