Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!
My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.