Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.

Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.