Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
That's sort of a silly question. Day 15 is too soon, but Day 16 is all right?
I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.
We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.