Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 231
Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.
Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.