Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!
It is my belief that Latinos in show business have to be self sufficient and creative while aggressively attempting to penetrate post-mogul Hollywood. Self- starting is becoming the path to serious studio support.
What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
Those are adult magazines. Anybody can own them. It doesn't prove the charge.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.
You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.