Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
People are basically good. We all fall. I have so much faith in humanity. That's why God created forgiveness. For those that don't deserve it. You can't spell beautiful without you.
I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.
You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.
I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.