Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238
This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.
We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.
A black President? Now come on y'all, we got Clinton, that's close. He got negro tendencies.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
People are basically good. We all fall. I have so much faith in humanity. That's why God created forgiveness. For those that don't deserve it. You can't spell beautiful without you.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.
And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.