Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.
My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'