Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
To make boxing training more exciting my trainer dresses as a ninja and yells, 'Ive never felt pain like this!! Who is this human!?'
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."