Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 240
I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.