Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 241

I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

Honesty buys you nothing at all in this school.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.

Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I'm on top of a moving train, and it's on fire. I'm fucking some girl, and Megan Fox is there, but I'm not having sex with her. She's like, 'Why am I even here?' And I'm like, 'To prove a point. Not everybody wants to fuck you, Megan Fox.'

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?