Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 239
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!