Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 239

My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he’d get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you’re being watched? He’s be like: “Dad… Dad… Da-” “What? What? What?” He starts crying. My wife goes, “You scared him!” I’m like, “Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!”

So, I’m from the South. So I guess that makes me South Korean.

My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.

America is grappling with cultural diversity, and I just want to put a show on that represents the world in which I live.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.

There's nothing wrong with trying to reach out to new fans.