Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 252

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.