Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!