Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256
I like living in L.A. One thing I don't like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I'm driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I'm gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they'll find my phone and be like, whoa, that's what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It'll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film "Willow." A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third "Willow"-related death this year.
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.