Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.