Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
Another time we watched this morose, spiky-haired open miker do his entire set laying down on the stage. I guess it was his way of saying, "Fuck standup." From his supine position he mostly did dumb puns. After a couple of minutes my sister turned to me and threw her hands in the air, "I don't get it!"
We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.
I was always shit at mathematics, I was never ever good. And I don't care. I don't give a shit. Algebra was a mystery to me. "Connolly 1A plus 1B?" He he. You're taking the piss right sir? You can't count letters you can only count numbers silly. Unless of course I was absent. The day we did the B times table. One B's B, two B's are a couple of B's. Three B's are a couple of B's plus the one we spoke about in the first place. Four B's two couple of B's what's the fucking problem there? So, I'm don't on record at school saying why should I learn Algebra? I've no intention of ever going there. The whole thing was a mystery to me. I mean is there anything more useless or less useful than Algebra? I have never used Algebra since the day I left school. No one's ever asked me. I've never seen anybody using it. I've never heard of anybody who once used it. And I would hate anybody who tried to use it. Can you imagine, you're going along the street. A tourist comes up, "Excuse me. I wonder if you could direct me to the old windmill?" Certainly, let X equal the windmill. "Ohh fuck it, I'll ask somebody else. Let's do a simple equation, why don't you shut the fuck up!".
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.
Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.
We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.