Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 314

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that’s the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.

It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.