Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'
I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.
I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.