Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

You know what hilarious means? Hilarious means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shi... its so funny that is almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore. Because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair and you're drenched in pee in the gutter. That's how funny hilarious is.

It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherfucker!

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.