Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, “Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.” And he would just be like, “Gross.”

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'