Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313

I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool? Like you log in to your Myspace in the middle of the night and 'Oh fuck, Obama's on'. You can write to him 'Obama, what are you doing?'. 'Oh, I just downloaded that video of the kid shooting himself in the nipple with the paintball gun. You gotta see that. And I'm working on some legislation too'. 'Oh, good stuff. Obama, you on Facebook?'. 'Na, I got poked by a zombie and the Secret Service took me outta there, so...'.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.