Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 317
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, “Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.” And he would just be like, “Gross.”