Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 317
I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.
I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool? Like you log in to your Myspace in the middle of the night and 'Oh fuck, Obama's on'. You can write to him 'Obama, what are you doing?'. 'Oh, I just downloaded that video of the kid shooting himself in the nipple with the paintball gun. You gotta see that. And I'm working on some legislation too'. 'Oh, good stuff. Obama, you on Facebook?'. 'Na, I got poked by a zombie and the Secret Service took me outta there, so...'.
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.