Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.
I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.
I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent... We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?
You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.