Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.

You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!

Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.

It's pain that changes our lives.