Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 354
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
It says here that you are a compulsive gambler and that you are wanted by the police. Is this correct?
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.
You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.