Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.