Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.

I noticed you all were French, opposite of bonjour to you.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.

I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.