Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378

George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.