Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
I had one girlfriend, she had one of them "recto-mies." You know, that's where they scoop the pussy out and leave the box it came in. We got along just fine. She didn't want nothin' from me, and I sure didn't want nothin' from her.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.