Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

I mean, I look at my dad. He was twenty when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that.

In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!

I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

You do a clean show and it's over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you've enjoyed yourself, and you haven't had to resort to shock.

You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance...

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.