Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.

I have an obsession with books about kids with Asperger's syndrome.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.