Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Bret, you got it goin' on! "Got it goin' on!" Not in a gay way but in a hey-your-lookin'-ok-man!