Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.
She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.
Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.
My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."
From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.