Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.