Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.