Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.