Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 388
I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.
I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.
Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. ‘Cause we’re idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn’t think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We’re straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, “Hey man, older women.” “I’ll go first.” Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I’m flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat’s getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, “Thunk!” Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom’s in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, “Bill’s dead!” About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, “Waaaaaa!” Boy I wish I had died!
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.
They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.