Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 398

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.

The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.