Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 398

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.

Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?

It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.

Telling a comedian "Make me laugh" on their time off, is like telling a professional dancer: "Strip for me, you cheap little whore".

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

That’s what happens when the “Big One” comes. You go to bed fine, then you wake up dead.