Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
I'm always a big fan of if you approach somebody politely about something and you're not a nudge - you're just pretty honest and simple, my kind of philosophy is that I'm not afraid of 'no,' and that's way different than 'I won't take no for an answer.'