Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408
When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?
If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.
Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.
People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.
People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
I had my boy in Boston on Easter Sunday. That kills me, from a sports perspective. He's a Boston baby and I'm a New York guy.
I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.