Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.
As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.
When I saw the sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? 'Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. 'Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: 'Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?'