Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 409

Gay men, if they've been straight and turn gay, they're gay, honey.

Everybody wants to be great at something.

What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

When I started off in DC, you didn’t get viral first. You got funny first.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.

I can feel how an audience is reacting when I’m on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That’s something you just have to know. It’s like pilots that fly at high Gs and they lose, sometimes, consciousness and hand/eye coordination and they just have to know that that’s going to happen. They have to be trained to not try to do too much while they are doing that. So when you are on stage, you have to be aware that you are wrong about how it feels a lot of times.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.