Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 409

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

We were going to do it before the hurricane, but decided to wait.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

When I saw the sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.

I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.

They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

In the locker room. Some dude is staying a conversation with me. "Hey not while you're drying your nutsack".

Gay men, if they've been straight and turn gay, they're gay, honey.