Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432

I don't believe any particular ethnic group is smarter than any other group.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!

In general I believe in treating everybody nicely. I just think everybody doesn’t have to be an asshole. I just don’t understand why, because everybody wants to make it so badly when it comes to the fame and money, everybody turns to shit. I believe you can actually make money and be cool.

I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?" "Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

I am careful with my material and presentation.

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.