Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432

As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved.

But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.

I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.