Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433

I am beloved by millions.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!"

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

He missed a shot and got frustrated and accidentally hit himself on the head with his own putter and needed stitches on the course. It was hysterical. He continued playing. He didn't get hurt. It wasn't serious.

The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

I don’t really go to record stores much anymore. The internet has spoiled me. I’d rather just hit up iTunes. You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.