Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 433

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”

Keep your complements to yourself. I get the worst complements. “Oh, you’re Asian. I love orange chicken!” That’s not a compliment.

Love is the only shocking act left on the face of the Earth.

Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.

I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.

I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

I am careful with my material and presentation.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.