Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.

I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.

I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!

When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.