Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434
Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.
People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.
I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit... guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
My mother was supportive without knowing it. Deep down she wanted all the right things, she just didn't see the world like I did, and she's not supposed to.
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.