Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437
How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I don’t know when did fat became a disease where people feel bad for you. I’m watching Jerry Springer have a 1,000 pound man on… People in the audience, crying, “Oh my God. He’s a 1,000 pounds. What happened?” He ate. You don’t catch 1,000 pounds. Nobody stick you with a dirty needle and give you a 1,000 pounds. You eat.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
You might be a redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.