Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437
I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigger said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?" "Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!
Everybody goes through a lot of the same things, and I talk about those, and that's the key. You have to connect with your audience, and I might take them on a trip with me, tell them I went here and I went there and they'll go with me, you know, to hear the stories.
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.