Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 438
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Everybody goes through a lot of the same things, and I talk about those, and that's the key. You have to connect with your audience, and I might take them on a trip with me, tell them I went here and I went there and they'll go with me, you know, to hear the stories.
For a short period of time, I was like, "I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them." And then eventually, I was like, "Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.
And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.