Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
But I thought, what could I do in a teeny way - and believe me, it's a teeny way - to defuse this? There had to be some way to separate the 1.5 billion people who don't want to kill us from the 100,000 or so who do. I thought if I could get five Muslims and six Hindus and maybe 3 Jews to laugh for 90 minutes, then I've accomplished something.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!
What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'
I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.
I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke." Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.