Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436

We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I am going to bring a more eclectic group of actors and a more eclectic group of musicians from Mana to Santana to Slash and Garth Brooks. I know some pretty high-profile people in Hollywood, in music and in comedy. They all seem to be supportive of the idea.

But I thought, what could I do in a teeny way - and believe me, it's a teeny way - to defuse this? There had to be some way to separate the 1.5 billion people who don't want to kill us from the 100,000 or so who do. I thought if I could get five Muslims and six Hindus and maybe 3 Jews to laugh for 90 minutes, then I've accomplished something.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.