Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.
Look, anybody can tell a joke, so a lot of a comedian’s success is about energy and engagement. A real comic sells himself first and his joke second. So how do you do that? Get your swagger. Know what you’re doing. Be prepared. Be fresh. Be “on.”
Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.