Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 444

I'm grateful for any opportunity to act.

If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.

The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I like guy stuff.

I got kids - got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don't look like me. I was gonna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I'll wait 'til he falls down and cuts himself.

If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.

Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.