Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 445
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Few, very few, will ever be able to craft a joke as beautifully as Pat. He was able to just make it all happen. I don't think he was great at telling them, but he was sure great at putting them down.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?
The most unusual salesman I ever met is a fellow who made a modest fortune purveying lightning rods. But he suddenly lost interest in his work. He got caught in a storm with a bunch of samples in his arms.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!
I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.
I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn’t change for Vegas.
I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.
You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't.
Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.