Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 445
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.
Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?