Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 449
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
My mama would say, “Y’all quit. Don’t make me stop this car.”<br /> “You’re not in the car, Mama. You’re in a hammock with a jelly glass of scotch in your hand.
The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.
I have one show biz picture in my house. It's with Mr. Hope. I have asked for one autograph in my life: Mr. Hope's.
It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.