Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 449

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

We have four beautiful children and some wonderful memories.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

Ain't nothin worse then a smart dumb nigga.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

Those times in life when you're terrified are the mastery times.

Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.