Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 458

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.

I just jot jokes down as I think of them, and then add them to the act the next time I’m on stage. Jokes are never really “done,” because each time you perform them you can add words or nuances that weren’t there before.

Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.

When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.