Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 459
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
If your wife has ever said ‘Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.’, you might be a redneck.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Why hate someone for the colour of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.