Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 463
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.
I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.
I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."