Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 486

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.

My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.

If a titty is pretty, it's dirty but not if it's bloody and maimed.

I hate all generalisations.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Dr. Ruth said if you want to be a better lover, what you should is when you get in bed with your woman, before you do anything else, you should recite an erotic poem to her. Now let me ask you something. Is there one man here who knows an erotic poem that doesn’t have the word “Nantucket” in it?

There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.