Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 486
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I know who wasn't black - I don't care what nobody say - Noah was not black. Noah and his family couldn't have been black 'cause there's no way no black family was on no boat for 40 days and 40 nights and didn't eat them two chickens.
Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!
The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.