Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!