Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Predictions are preposterous.

My comedy is adult humor, but clean. It’s not campy. I’ve always worked in the mainstream and I’ve never billed myself as a “Christian comedian.” I’m just a comedian who’s a Christian.

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.