Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 494

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Predictions are preposterous.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"

Nature is not affected by finance. If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to let them touch your eyeball without blinking, you would never collect the money. At the very last moment, Nature would force you to blink your eye. Nature will protect her own.