Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505
I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.
When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness, it's just been a really great thing in my life.
It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.
We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.
I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."