Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.

We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.

I live in L.A. Now.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.

You could place one product in a first-run telecast, a second product what that program is rerun, and a third product when the show goes into syndication, and another product when it goes on cable.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.