Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.

Everything is awesome... Everything is cool when you're a part of a team...

In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

Ain't no black people don't fuck with no bombs. We don't fit that profile. 'Cause you've got to be on time with a bomb.

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

We battled well and it was an excellent win.