Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous.

I never thought about being famous.

Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.