Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516

If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

No one’s trying to get with jugglers.

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after. Alright, I shouldn't have started her off with one that I was in - that was a mistake.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat!" Never got a dinner!

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.

That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'

The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.