Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.
A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. “Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.”